I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
