I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
