with your own penis?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
