So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
