the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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