You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
