I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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