I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
