dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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