Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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