It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
