did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
