if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
