Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
