We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
