there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
