It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
