I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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