I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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