i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
