I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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