Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
