Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
