oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just high enough for therapy.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
