im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
