how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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