After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
