We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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