whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I think my fart just growled at me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
