you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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