Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
