I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
