I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
