Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
