I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
