pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
