I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
