The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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