No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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