Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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