When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
should my penis look like a turkey
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
