I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
