sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Randomize
