If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
