I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
