Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
