my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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