I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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