you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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