in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
